The Love That I Have by James Moloney

Author:James Moloney
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2018-05-23T04:00:00+00:00

16

According to the wireless, victory can still be ours if we hold out, but a different truth is broadcast in the faces I see on the streets. Every day there’s a new rumour: that Hitler has fled Berlin; that a secret deal has been done with the Americans; that the Russians shoot every German they find. Through the second and third weeks of April I ride to Sachsenhausen whenever I have something to give to Meier, and to hear him say, ‘Dieter is still alive.’

I return from one of those journeys to hear Vati’s voice coming from the kitchen. When has he ever been home so early? The look on his face when I join him only deepens my frown.

‘We’ll have an early supper: set four places,’ he tells me, and when I open my mouth to question him, he cuts me off. ‘I phoned Kapitän Goldapp. Renate will be here shortly.’

She arrives, looking as worried as I am. Even Mutti doesn’t seem to know what this is about. Our dinner is hardly worthy of the word, but what’s worse is the way we sit disconnected from one another. What was it Frau Kleinschmidt said in her letter? That their family could never be whole without its missing menfolk. We’re no different.

With his plate wiped clean, Vati addresses us as though he’s called a meeting at work. ‘The war is lost, we must think of ourselves.’

‘No, Gerhard,’ Mutti protests. ‘There’s still hope . . .’

‘Quiet,’ Vati barks at her. ‘They’ve lied to us. The Russians are on the outskirts of Berlin and it won’t be long before they’re here in Oranienburg, too. We’re leaving, all four of us, tomorrow morning.’

‘Where will we go?’ Mutti asks in a cowed voice I haven’t heard before.

‘To my cousin in Bavaria.’

‘But the Americans are already in Bavaria!’

My father stares straight into Mutti’s face. ‘Better the Americans than the Russians.’ Without another word he nods towards my sister and me.

‘I’m not going,’ says Renate.

‘Don’t be a fool,’ Vati replies sharply. ‘You think your captain – your lover – will protect you?’ When Renate’s eyes fly wide open, he keeps on at her. ‘Don’t look so shocked. I’ve had enough friends tell me what you’re up to. Well, it’s over now. You’re an even greater fool than I thought if you believe Goldapp will take you with him. He’ll head straight for his wife and leave you to the devil. You’re coming with us tomorrow if I have to chain you to my own wrist.’

Renate cries herself to sleep and takes an age about it. I find it hard to summon any sympathy because I have a job to do before morning and I don’t want a tearful sister getting in the way. Once she drifts into the regular breathing of sleep, I slip out of bed, take a sack from my drawer then descend the stairs with the stealth of a spy.

In the kitchen I take Mutti’s precious biscuit tin from the pantry. There’s nothing inside – we haven’t had biscuits for a year.

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